We’re in the home stretch now with only days until Christmas.
You may be part of a couple that glides through the holidays, skating past holiday stresses.
If not, then you’re like the rest of us still scrambling to make those last minute plans and arguing with your partner/spouse about whose house to go to and how much to spend.
Depending on how we experience them, the holidays can bring you and your loved one together or be a thing that can tear you apart.
This is when Christmas joy turns to Christmas STRESS.
Yet there’s hope!
Here are some tips for how to stress less and make this holiday season one of coming together in peace and love.
EXPLORE YOUR PRIORITIES
However important this holiday is to you, it will come and go.
Ask yourself: What is more, or even most important to me? What is the one part of your life that you wish to maintain and nurture?
Hopefully you’ve responded with a resounding- Why, it’s my relationship of course!
(If not then this trying time of the year may have exacerbated or highlighted some areas of struggle in your relationship that need attention and professional support.)
EXPAND YOUR VISION
As big as this season is it is just one experience of many the two of you will have throughout the year. That means you have lots of opportunities to share, cooperate, negotiate, communicate, brainstorm and lean in towards one another.
You’ve probably discovered that fighting doesn’t get you what you want. Or if you’ve managed to get your way through ‘winning’ you’ve lost much more- bits of the connection and affection you have for one another. Fighting just erodes the love and never gets the issues resolved.
A few years ago the movie, Jingle All the Way, was released. The father, played by Arnold Schwarzeneger, tries to juggle all of his responsibilities on Christmas Eve, only to find himself extremely over-committed. His overwhelm just about costs him his family. Now because this is movieland fiction the resolution was pure fantasy. Not something we have available to us in real life. Nor would we really want a magical solution? Of course you ‘re tempted to say yes. But remember, even though Arnold’s intentions were sincere, he wanted to create a ‘memorable’ Christmas, he had one big problem, which was that he had not come to an enthusiastic agreement with his wife about how ‘they’ would create this experience.
The stresses of Christmas demonstrated the weak spots in Arnold’s marriage. For him it was the way he went about making decisions. He did not consider his wife’s feelings as part of his plan. She was already emotionally isolated from him and the Christmas season only made her feel more ignored and added to her growing resentment of the way he single-mindedly maneuvered through their marriage. This brings us to our next tip.
NEGOTIATE
One of the bedrocks of a strong relationship is looking for ways to give our beloved enough of what s/he wants and finding enough new mutually agreeable and delightful ways of enjoying experiences together. We tend to look at disagreements as troublesome in a relationship. But, in fact disagreements help us challenge some long held beliefs or unproductive personal patterns. It is the energy of transformation, positive change and growth. Disagreements are inevitable and -dare I say it- necessary for the relationship to thrive. Without them the fire of romance can fade, with them, when understood and managed positively, they reignite, excite and rekindle the flame.
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Give these four tips a try next time you make a holiday decision:
- Set ground rules to make negotiations pleasant and enjoyable. Go into the discussion with an open and curious mind. This is about discovering more about your mate, reaching new levels of understanding and finding satisfying ways to resolve issues. Agree to be non judgmental of each other’s ideas and opinions. You want to create an atmosphere of acceptance and respect for your differences. If you reach an impasse agree to get back to the discussion later.
- Identify the issue in question and understand each other’s perspective. Make sure you understand each other. Ask questions rather than assume you know what the other person means. Can you reiterate or rephrase what they said accurately. If not let them explain further. Remember what you both want and why you want it!
- Brainstorm with abandon. Spend some time thinking of all sorts of ways to resolve the differences and don’t correct each other when you hear of an idea that you don’t like or understand. In fact brainstorming is a great opportunity to get as imaginative as you can. You never know where a great idea can come from. You’ll have a chance to eliminate undesirable possibilities during the fourth step. Write down every suggestion. If you give your intelligence a chance to flex its muscle, you will have a long list of possibilities.
- Choose the solution that is appealing to both of you. From your list of solutions, some will satisfy only one of you but not both. However, scattered within the list will be solutions that both of you would find attractive, and some that will inspire a new idea. Among those solutions that are mutually satisfactory, select the one or those that you both like the most. If none of them meet with your enthusiastic agreement, take some time out then go back to step 3 and continue to brainstorm. Get creative, be expansive . You may decide to give each other a holiday of choice. Which holiday is most important to you, which is most important to me. Or take turns creating a holiday experience. You may decide to find mutual ways to enjoy the holiday together creating new routines and rituals that appeal to you both.
Just remember that your bond is unique and the two of you get to create a relationship that works for you.
Happy Holiday!
