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Romance

10 Habits of Successful Relationships

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The Port St Lucie
Nutrition Smart

9/20/17 at 6:30 PM

Did you know:
Good communication is the key to a healthy relationship, but most of us weren’t given relationship 101 skills in school.

So often in my practice, I see people falling back on old unproductive behaviors then wondering why they don’t get what they really want or need from their relationships. Often it just takes a little attention and a few tweaks to what they’re already doing to get very different results.

Imagine what it would feel like to create the relationship you desire.

Join me for this free talk. And learn, how to turn these key skills into consistent relationship habits.

Give your relationship every opportunity for success and everlasting love.

 

Hope to see you then!
~ Rev Carol

By |September 18th, 2017|Romance, Uncategorized, Workshops|0 Comments|
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The First Key to Solving Relationship Drama

The First Key

The First Key to solving your relationship problems is to recognize them. Of course, this seems self-evident. Relationship issues stare us in the face all of the time. Perhaps it’s the cold shoulder, the lack of warmth, touch or simple conversation. Does one of you nag while the other slips away from important conversations?  It’s hard to escape seeing these issues.

Yet, I’m reminded of a couple who were always bickering. Nothing he said was right, nothing she did was good enough. They even argued over what kind of toilet paper to get and which way to put it on the toilet paper roll; up or down.

They just couldn’t get along at all. Seems like it was always that way. But it wasn’t.

A few years back he, Mort, had an affair. It lasted several years before Sheila, his wife found out. Not wanting to destroy their family he decided to end the affair -she decided to stay in the marriage. They both wanted to make it work.

Believing that she was ‘doing the right thing’ she decided to forgive him. Unfortunately, that meant that she did not have a chance to fully feel and release all the emotions involved in a betrayal of trust; they did not have an opportunity to find out what went wrong between them that influenced the affair and she did not feel heard by him, missing out on the heart to heart connection that is absolutely essential in creating trust in a thriving and exciting marriage. He missed out on her authentic forgiveness and a deeper understanding of why he fell into an affair.

All that hurt, pain and confusion kept seeping out anyway in anger, impatience, and in emotional and physical distancing. What they didn’t realize is that Forgiveness is the end result of a process over time, not a moral high ground we can reach in a moment. That can only happen through awareness, not avoidance.

 

If this reminds you of a difficulty within your relationship, know that it can be transformed, connection restored, and intimacy regained. With ‘The Relationship Rescue System’ couples report that they’re falling in love again.

~~~~~

“Working with Carol has saved me, and as a result has restored the love and acceptance to my marriage of 33 years. She has a calming presence about her that creates a space safe for emotional
vulnerability that sets the stage for powerful healing. She is like the Mom you always wished you had- someone who makes you comfortable enough to admit what you are doing to undermine your relationships, and who offers a gentle suggestion or two on how you might approach things differently. She uses story, dialog, skill building and probing questions, she challenges perspectives and bares her own vulnerabilities to lead you on a path of self-discovery- all at a pace that doesn’t feel threatening.”
– Tanya P.

To rescue your relationship or find answers to vital questions such as, “Can this relationship be saved?” call Rev Carol Baxter today, (772) 359-8924.

Wishing you the best in love and life,
~ Rev Carol

By |July 25th, 2017|Romance|0 Comments|
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How to Show You Care

Flowers! Lovely. Chocolates! Delicious. Presence! Perfect.

Creating developing and sustaining healthy relationships takes a practice: the consistent, continuous activity of our conscious desire: our PRESENCE.

Flowers, candy, jewelry gifts of every kind are ways we materially ‘show’ our loved one that they are special and how much we care for them. While these are thoroughly enjoyable gestures of affection, they can’t replace being emotional attuned to our partner/spouse.

Presence has a remarkably profound influence on the relationship yet is amazingly simple. One way to be present is to listen with curiosity and compassion. This means just that … just listen. Active listening does not happen when you are trying to fix, explain, cajole, or analyze. There are times when no magic words, or practical solutions will help.

Active listening happens and offers up the gift of our presence when we make eye contact, let ourselves be immersed in our lover’s words, express in actions, like authentic empathic nods and words that reflect back our partners’ feelings so that they can see that we are listening and truly care.

We all want to be seen and heard. It is in our closest relationships where we seek the comfort of being accepted and understood. The welcoming safety of this kind of relationship let’s us be our most open and vulnerable selves. When we’re attentively heard we feel less alone in our struggles and more deeply feel our joys when they are shared at this degree of emotional attunement.

Self Inquiry:

  • How can you be more emotionally present for your spouse/partner?
  • What are your blocks to deepening your emotional presence for your partner?
  • How do you need your partner to be emotionally present for you?

Happy Valentine’s Day,

♥ Rev Carol

By |February 13th, 2017|Romance|0 Comments|
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    Bring Peace and Love to Your Relationship This Holiday Season

Bring Peace and Love to Your Relationship This Holiday Season

We’re in the home stretch now with only days until Christmas.

You may be part of a couple that glides through the holidays, skating past holiday stresses.
If not, then you’re like the rest of us still scrambling to make those last minute plans and arguing with your partner/spouse about whose house to go to and how much to spend.
Depending on how we experience them, the holidays can bring you and your loved one together or be a thing that can tear you apart.

This is when Christmas joy turns to Christmas STRESS.

Yet there’s hope!

Here are some tips for how to stress less and make this holiday season one of coming together in peace and love.

EXPLORE YOUR PRIORITIES
However important this holiday is to you, it will come and go.
Ask yourself: What is more, or even most important to me? What is the one part of your life that you wish to maintain and nurture?
Hopefully you’ve responded with a resounding- Why, it’s my relationship of course!
(If not then this trying time of the year may have exacerbated or highlighted some areas of struggle in your relationship that need attention and professional support.)

EXPAND YOUR VISION
As big as this season is it is just one experience of many the two of you will have throughout the year. That means you have lots of opportunities to share, cooperate, negotiate, communicate, brainstorm and lean in towards one another.
You’ve probably discovered that fighting doesn’t get you what you want. Or if you’ve managed to get your way through ‘winning’ you’ve lost much more- bits of the connection and affection you have for one another. Fighting just erodes the love and never gets the issues resolved.
A few years ago the movie, Jingle All the Way, was released. The father, played by Arnold Schwarzeneger, tries to juggle all of his responsibilities on Christmas Eve, only to find himself extremely over-committed. His overwhelm just about costs him his family. Now because this is movieland fiction the resolution was pure fantasy. Not something we have available to us in real life. Nor would we really want a magical solution? Of course you ‘re tempted to say yes. But remember, even though Arnold’s intentions were sincere, he wanted to create a ‘memorable’ Christmas, he had one big problem, which was that he had not come to an enthusiastic agreement with his wife about how ‘they’ would create this experience.
The stresses of Christmas demonstrated the weak spots in Arnold’s marriage. For him it was the way he went about making decisions. He did not consider his wife’s feelings as part of his plan. She was already emotionally isolated from him and the Christmas season only made her feel more ignored and added to her growing resentment of the way he single-mindedly maneuvered through their marriage. This brings us to our next tip.

NEGOTIATE
One of the bedrocks of a strong relationship is looking for ways to give our beloved enough of what s/he wants and finding enough new mutually agreeable and delightful ways of enjoying experiences together. We tend to look at disagreements as troublesome in a relationship. But, in fact disagreements help us challenge some long held beliefs or unproductive personal patterns. It is the energy of transformation, positive change and growth. Disagreements are inevitable and -dare I say it- necessary for the relationship to thrive. Without them the fire of romance can fade, with them, when understood and managed positively, they reignite, excite and rekindle the flame.

_____________

Give these four tips a try next time you make a holiday decision:

  1. Set ground rules to make negotiations pleasant and enjoyable. Go into the discussion with an open and curious mind. This is about discovering more about your mate, reaching new levels of understanding and finding satisfying ways to resolve issues. Agree to be non judgmental of each other’s ideas and opinions. You want to create an atmosphere of acceptance and respect for your differences. If you reach an impasse agree to get back to the discussion later.
  2. Identify the issue in question and understand each other’s perspective. Make sure you understand each other. Ask questions rather than assume you know what the other person means. Can you reiterate or rephrase what they said accurately. If not let them explain further. Remember what you both want and why you want it!
  3. Brainstorm with abandon. Spend some time thinking of all sorts of ways to resolve the differences and don’t correct each other when you hear of an idea that you don’t like or understand. In fact brainstorming is a great opportunity to get as imaginative as you can. You never know where a great idea can come from. You’ll have a chance to eliminate undesirable possibilities during the fourth step. Write down every suggestion. If you give your intelligence a chance to flex its muscle, you will have a long list of possibilities.
  4. Choose the solution that is appealing to both of you. From your list of solutions, some will satisfy only one of you but not both. However, scattered within the list will be solutions that both of you would find attractive, and some that will inspire a new idea.  Among those solutions that are mutually satisfactory, select the one or those that you both like the most. If none of them meet with your enthusiastic agreement, take some time out then go back to step 3 and continue to brainstorm. Get creative, be expansive . You may decide to give each other a holiday of choice. Which holiday is most important to you, which is most important to me. Or take turns creating a holiday experience. You may decide to find mutual ways to enjoy the holiday together creating new routines and rituals that appeal to you both.
Just remember that your bond is unique and the two of you get to create a relationship that works for you.

Happy Holiday!

 

By |December 16th, 2016|Being Present, Holidays, Romance|0 Comments|
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The Difference between Love and ROMANCE

Love_Romantic_Beach_Couple

The difference between
Love and ROMANCE

_____________

 

Q. What’s the difference between Love and Romance?

A. Romance.

Love is a feeling. It is a profoundly tender, affectionate feeling for another person.
Romance means to court or woo with ardor. Romance is a verb; it means to take action, to energetically, creatively, and continuously express your love and woo your partner.

So, in order to continue to be in LOVE, you must have ROMANCE.

To Romance Your Partner you must give your partner and your relationship attention. You do this when you strive to be the best partner you can be by taking 100% responsibility for your outcomes in the relationship.

Each day you have opportunities to make your partner happy. It’s through everyday actions that you express your love and show the value you place on your relationship.

Do something every day to make your marriage the best marriage possible.

 

 

THE RELATIONSHIP JOURNAL

-LOVE-love-36983825-1680-1050

The Relationship Journal, from The Relationship Coaching Institute, is one Strategy that can take your relationship from roommates to soul-mates, from expired to inspired.

The Relationship Journal will help you discover, communicate and address needs, issues and goals.

You can do this at home, on vacation, anytime and anywhere.

Here’s how this works.

Step 1: Purchase one or two blank books or spiral notebooks.

Step 2: Schedule at least 30 minutes for this process. Most couples find that a dedicated weekly Relationship Journaling Time works well. When there are more serious issues try three times a week or consult with a relationship coach.
Agree on a time and place.

Step 3: Don’t wait for your partner to remember or initiate. When the time comes, drop whatever else you are doing and create an “intimate space.” You must make your relationship your priority.

Step 4: Make your entry in the Relationship Journal. You can also write in your journal at any time as it occurs to you.
Do not read your partner’s entry
until you have finished yours.

Suggested Entry #1: What do you appreciate about your partner today?
Suggested Entry#2:
What issues are you aware of in your relationship today?
Suggested Entry#3: What needs can you identify that you are experiencing in your relationship today?
Suggested Entry #4:
What did you do today (or recently) to improve your relationship?
Suggested Entry #5: Reflect upon your last sexual experience and identify what you liked and what you want to do differently next time.

Step 5: When you are both finished, read each other’s entry. Ask clarifying question with compassionate curiosity.

Step 6: Start by acknowledging your partner’s appreciations, then make sure each issue has a matching need identified; if not, assist your partner to identify what unmet need is underlying their issue.

Step 7: Discuss the needs one by one. Negotiate. Brainstorm. Be open and flexible with your outcomes and find the win-win solution.

Step 8: Record agreements/solutions in your Relationship Journals.
✓ Positive      ✓ Measurable      ✓ Specific

  • All needs are valid.
  • Assume a solution exists & be creative!

Step 9: Keep all agreements!

Step 10: Create a Closing Ritual

 

Your relationship is a reflection of the time and attention you give to it and your partner.

Wishing you much love,
Coach Carol

Happy Valentine’s Day!

By |February 14th, 2016|Romance|0 Comments|
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World Kindness Day

world_kindness_day_globe-c4a1e499e8238c103054f49e5bcadb14Today is World Kindness Day, Fri 11/13/15!

It’s not hard to make a difference in someone’s life. A little compassion goes a long way. Take time out of your day to hold open a door, give a compliment, or a hug when someone needs one.
For some more kind acts, visit:
https://www.randomactsofkindness.org/kindness-ideas
And remember, when we give to others, we also fuel our own souls.

 

Relationships have changed more in the past 30 years than they have in the past 3000.

Our needs have changed, our roles have changed, our expectations about the quality of our relationships have changed.

Yet the skills we bring to creating and sustaining a romantic partnership that meets our current needs are the skills we learned and grew up with.

These are skills that no longer work, if they ever did.

We’ve shifted, and now we need a new paradigm.

It is my delight to bring to you new insights and skills, ideas, information and inspiration. If you are dating, mating or creating and sustaining a relationship, this newsletter is for you.

You are the expert of you and your relationships. As you browse through the latest findings, insights and ideas here, pick and choose what works for you. Try something new, pass on this information to family and friends and if you need help, call me and we can schedule a time to talk.

How can you bring Intentional Kindness into your relationship?

  • Ask how your partner’s day was, even if you’re tired. Really listen to the answer.

  • Give a backrub, instead of requesting one. Tender touches show you care.

  • Do someone else’s chores for the day. Taking out the trash, doing the dishes or laundry without being asked will take some stress off your loved one, and show you are thinking of their well being.

  • Buy a card, pick a flower, or make something that lets your loved one know how important they are to you.

Kindness is a practice, just like any other. It get’s easier the more you do it.

Before you know it, you’ll be spreading kindness all over the place, into all aspects of your relationships, personal and professional. Then watch how it touches the lives of those around you, and comes back tenfold.

Remember how you felt in the early days of your romance, when you did something nice for your loved one. An act of kindness is a gift that goes both ways.

By |November 13th, 2015|Kindness, Romance|0 Comments|
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The Most Important Promise A Couple Can Make

You’ve heard that the ‘honeymoon stage’ of relationships never lasts. You’re living what seems like a dream come true and before you know it you are arguing over the littlest things. This is enough to make anyone question whether or not they are in the ‘right’ relationship. But don’t fret, there may be nothing wrong with your internal ‘partner picker’- or your partner. It’s just the next natural phase of the relationship. Unfortunately, this is also when people give up, bail out or get stuck in never ending conflict because they don’t know how to make use of the issues this phase reveals.

The way we are drawn to our prospective mates is highly unconscious. Many of our partners’ qualities are reflections of the good and bad of our childhood caretakers, the people responsible for fulfilling our needs and making us feel loved and protected in our most vulnerable phase of life. We may not even see these qualities in our partner for a while because we are being rushed along by a torrential river of self-created mood enhancers, the love juice of attraction. But sooner or later, we may start to feel the way our father or mother made us feel, when our partner says or does something. The reason our feelings get hurt so easily, is that our unmet and unrecognized childhood needs are coming to the surface, aching to be met. Now we’re expecting our partner to meet them though the skills they lack are the exact skills our caretakers lacked.

Now – this is the part that is hard to digest. You picked this partner exactly because they could NOT meet your needs. In an unconscious way you knew that rising from this frustration you have with each other comes an opportunity for each of you to stretch your capacity, learn new skills and heal each other of the wounds from your past.

So the person of your dreams begins to morph into the person of your nightmares. The truth is, it is a shift in you not the other person. It’s a shift in your perception from unconscious perception to conscious awareness. Together you reflect the needs that need to be healed in each other. Only this partner or someone like them can help you heal your wounds just as only you or someone like you can help them heal theirs.

Our old way of acting out our hurts and wounds with anger, sarcasm, judgment or withdrawal are tactics that can only escalate difficult emotions and build bigger and thicker walls between you, as it becomes more and more dangerous to open your hearts and trust one another.

What you need is what your partner has to learn to give and vice versa. If you are both willing to meet each other’s needs, you will grow together and individually as well. This requires the understanding that it is your fragile heart that is reacting to old wounds and not to what your partner did. They didn’t intentionally mean to pick that scab. But this gives you the opportunity to heal what you can now see. This is the stage of relationship where you can become each other’s Personal and Spiritual Teachers.

Couple Therapy_

The key here is for you and your partner to be willing to work together and stretch to respond to each others’ needs while you discover and develop the hidden parts of yourselves.

5 Steps You Can Take Now to Create a Space for Love to Grow

  1. Decide to end all negativity- take an oath.
  2. You must learn to state your difference or need in a way that doesn’t make your partner bad, wrong, selfish or withholding for not being there.
  3.  Remember that a ‘frustration’ is a ‘wish’ in disguise. Anytime you are frustrated there is something you want that you are not getting.
  4. Identify what the wish is. Ex. If you’re annoyed at his lateness, you really want your partner to be on time.
  5. Make a specific request that is doable and be open to your partner’s efforts and ways of meeting that need.

Here is an example of a typical complaint: Instead of sniping at your partner, “You’re late-again!”   You could say, “We had plans to be at dinner at 6:30. You came in at 7. In the future what I would really like is a phone call, about 30 min. ahead of time, or as soon as possible to let me know you are going to be late. Let me know when you’re going to be there. Then, when you get there, it would help my mood immensely if you do something, throw your arms around me and apologize profusely or give me a big kiss.

By learning to create a safe, welcoming space between you, where each feels accepted, seen and heard, where you can be open and vulnerable, you can heal each other. In partnership each can give the other what was missed growing up and is still needed. This is how trust and intimacy are born.

 

 

 

By |June 1st, 2014|Romance|0 Comments|
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Are You Lucky In Love?

 If you’re single you’ve probably wondered: If other people find the perfect match, and other people seem to have successful relationships, why am I not lucky in love? 

The truth is; love has nothing to do with luck.

   Yes, some people do stumble across the right mate, and have happy marriages. Yet, when we look around us we realize that this is the exception rather than the norm. Otherwise 50% of first marriages wouldn’t fail and close to 70% of second go -rounders wouldn’t be facing the same disastrous results.

If you are serious about wanting a great relationship there are 3 key concepts you need to have:

1. Know Yourself: Put aside the shopping list of what you want in a mate for a while. Do you have a clear vision for your life and lifestyle? What are you hobbies, and interests? What are your values, Requirements, Needs and Wants?

Try this exercise: With paper and pen in hand, Imagine your perfect day. You could be at work, at home, or at play. It could be a holiday, or any day. Allow your mind to drift into that perfect place. Where are you? What is around you? What do your surroundings look, smell, feel, sound, and taste like? Who is around you? With you? Who are they? What is noticeable about their personalities, interactions, style? What are they doing? What are you doing? Write down your day in as much detail as you can. What do you realize as you read about your perfect day? What is different about you? What is the same?

2. You Need to Be What You Want Your Partner to Be. The Law of Attraction can only work if you do your part. Remember we are co-creators. Wishing won’t do it, awareness will.

 If you want someone who communicates their hopes, dreams, wants and needs ask yourself how well you communicate yours. Do you want someone to be patient and thoughtful? How patient are you? When an elderly woman is taking a while in front of you in the check -out line, do you wait patiently or generously move to another line; or do you go huffing off, complaining the whole time?  Do you remember that Anne’s mom was in the hospital; John’s son won that scholarship. How well do you acknowledge and support them?

3. Be to yourself what you want your significant other to be to you. Be your own best friend.

If you want someone who will treat you well ask yourself how well you treat yourself. You may want someone to go to the theatre or movies, hiking or to the beach with you. Are you waiting to be rescued or do you create these experiences for yourself, by yourself or with friends? 

If you’re waiting for someone to stand up to others for you, ask yourself; How clear are my boundaries? How well do I communicate them? Do I honor and uphold them?

 

While you are creating the perfect conditions for finding the right mate you will be developing inner resiliency and strength as you create a life filled with joy and delight.

By |December 29th, 2013|Romance|0 Comments|
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